All Aboard the Resolution Train

So I was contemplating the previous post on resolutions Tuesday morning as I went to get my monthly train pass. I had my thoughts on what I would resolve fairly well ironed out. Once I looked at my newly purchased train pass, I could see that the Metra commuter rail system had other plans in mind for me.

They printed 5 resolutions right on the train pass itself.

Now, I think it's a bit bossy of them to come up with resolutions that are supposed to work for all of their riders. They don't know me, or the guy sitting next to me. And 5? Heck, now I'm supposed to have 8 resolutions, over half of them transportation-related? Maybe not.

So what does Metra propose as resolutions for the train riders of Chicagoland?

I will teach railroad safety to my children
Not a bad idea on the surface, but do they have any idea how young my children are? My thought is there are other things I could teach them that may have a better chance of sticking. 16-month old Chloe, I'd like to teach her that she shouldn't respond to her food on her high-chair tray like she was scratching a turntable. There'll be time enough for scratchin when the eatin's done. As for one-month old Declan, I think I'd like to teach him how to hold his neck up before I start drilling rail safety tips into his little, still-soft noggin.

I do also take issue with Metra for asking us to resolve this but not giving us the materials to teach our children properly. Shouldn't they provide us with pamphlets like "The Little Engine That Could (Tear You in Half If You Got In It's Path)" or "Freight Trains: Not Anywhere Close To Silent But Nevertheless Deadly"?
Resolution: Declined. Check back in a few years.

I will stand behind yellow line on platform.
Um, duh. Consider it done.
Resolution: Accepted grudgingly. Am I also to resolve not to take a nap on the tracks?

I will talk softly when on my cell phone.
Now we're talking. I wish they would have said "I will only use my cell phone for short, quick conversations, all relating only to the time I will arrive at my destination." I am still petitioning for a no cell phone car- hopefully, they'll still let me crank my iPod in there...
Resolution: ACCEPTED! (oh, should I have done that softly?)

I will obey all railroad signals.
Um, no. There is a gate near where I take my train that stays in the down position for about 5 minutes every morning when no trains pass by. Do I wait for it to go up? No. Does anyone else? No. Should we? No. Boo, I say to you, dear Metra! Boo!
Resolution: If you fix your signals, accepted. As it stands: Not a chance.

I will allow myself enough time to catch the train.
Well, yeah. I will also not be late for anything, always floss my teeth, never forget anyone's birthday and generally do everything exactly the way I'm supposed to. As a matter of fact, Metra, I see your point here, and I'm going to change this resolution to "I will always do everything exactly right." Just as you, sweet Metra, will always be on time.
Resolution: I'm just about always on time, but if I'm not, I'm not dumb enough to risk bodily injury to catch my train. Metra thinks I am that dumb. Therefore, I decline to play along. Resolution declined.

So, ultimately, I have resolved to talk softly on my cell phone and stay behind the yellow line. I will also resolve to always wear pants while on the train, something else I already do without Metra telling me to on their train pass. Wait, maybe I should stop doing that so they have something to put on the February pass...